I was looking through a trashy, generic celebrity magazine, and went straight to the pap shots of these gods and goddesses amongst mortals. It’s my favourite bit. I want to look at Britney Spear’s nose with a bogey near it, Patrick Dempsey’s sweat patches and Amy Winehouse looking, well, like she does.

What’s she drinking? Will she fall over? Let’s hope so!

We sit at work all these hours infront of the computer screen (if we’re lucky) and love to gush over these celebrities with their annoying lives looking perfect, and we so like it even better when they fall off the pedestal we put under them. It makes our day! But, secretly want to be involved in their lives.

So: Hands up. Who wants to have a celebrity friend? Not a fake one, like I have sitting next to me when I type (they’ve just bought an Audi R8, they’re going to Dubai next week and a première tonight – I’m just having a chilli dog and will be playing Mario Galaxy till the wee hours). Who doesn’t want to be living their lives through someone else, well, better.

Tonight I’ll also be tweeting, not like a bird you understand, the madness, loneliness and credit crunch hasn’t gotten to me that much yet, I’ll be on Twitter….

Twitter isn’t just for nerds. But it helps.

Before you say, “Woah! Loser! I don’t wanna know what you’ve just did” Fellow celebrity follower, let me explain. They’re all on there. You can virtually smell the teak that is Stephen Fry, hear Ashton and Seth quip, follow (along with NBC) Stephen Colbert, Laugh with Britney and Beyonce Knowle’s sister and nod knowingly that Demi Moore is really quite cool.

Hell, I’ll even follow Greg Grunberg or Levar Burton (but not Will Wheaton I’m not that sad).

Nope. Won’t follow you Trek boy

You can also follow Jenna Haze and Stoya, but that’s another story.

Oh and I do follow them, I really, really, do. I tweet about my existence, and wait, eagerly for Demi or Christopher Walken to come online.  They tweet and I run up, jump to the computer and look for the @ button. I then reply to them in the most gushing, celeb praising way that I can possibly do. So for instance, they say, “Going out to Starbucks (I follow them as well), hope their Wi-Fi is working” I reply with something witty and interesting like, “Yeah. Me too.”

Why won’t they not talk to me?

I feel smug, happy and anxious for the next minute, hour, day and week, feverishly looking at my twitter page, refreshing it. F5, F5, F5 to see if they acknowledge my pitiful attempt to communicate with them. They never come back.

It’s sad but true, speak to me - speak to me!

I have other followers though, they are far down the pecking order. I reply to them, they come back to me instantly. It gives me no pleasure. They are not on a pedestal. I know that they work in customer support and have 32 fluffy pens on their desk and they like to drink soup on a Thursday.

This I know. I want Levar Burton to reply to me, acknowledge me as a friend. It is my right. I watched a Star Trek episode once. I gave him something, now give me something back.

One day it will happen. The A-listers won’t speak to me; I won’t get any interaction from mad Nick Nolte but will probably get an acknowledgement from someone who used to get Will Wheaton’s coffee.

One day it’ll be me

I will continue! If you are on Twitter, and a celebrity, drop me a mail and I will definitely gush over you at any given opportunity, in the vain hope that you’ll reply. If you’re not – don’t bother. Celebrities are all that count. But I dream of that day when I get a reply, or even *gasp* a direct message. Till then, I’ll keep tweeting and keep punning for that wonderful day to arrive.

Why not follow Catwalk on Twitter? It’s just getting going and will keep you up to date with all of our fashion and celebrity worship. And also general chat. And celeb stalking.